i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
