I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She told me I should be a condom model.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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