I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
