I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
