She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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