I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
