i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
