I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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