I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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