I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
