just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
