I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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