Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize