note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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