I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
