Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
meet me or not, i'm out of control
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
