just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
