hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
