i need an iv and a liver transplant
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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