I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
