she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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