Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
