Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
