we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
