Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
