I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
