I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
