Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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