Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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