This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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