apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
