i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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