oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
