I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
