i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
