My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
