My cat gives me a boner
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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