i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
