Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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