in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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