The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
