She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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