i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
