Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
babies were throwing up all over the place
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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