I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
