The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
