She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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