dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
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Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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