I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So vagazzling was a success
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