Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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