i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
