did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
