I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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