Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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