I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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