Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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