I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
